Anger perhaps best kept to myself… Can god help me?

I have a primary care ‘doctor’ as required by my insurance and as most people do.
My psychiatrist simply wrote me off as schizophrenic-affective- disorder
Even though I do not present with several of the qualifiers in the dsm4 because my story and experience contain several points that they simply can’t seem to believe even though they are
I have PTSD
Panic attacks
Agoraphobia
Social phobia
Memory loss
Alzheimer’s like symptoms
Visual disturbance
Audio disturbance (loud ringing whistling screaming in my head)
And strange experience designed to make those who report it appear ‘crazy’

My doctor is a nurse practitioner hired in a clinic run for profit for the poor and disenfranchised
She works too hard for too long for too many patients that appear (from my observations in the waiting area and from her reports of how they interact with her) not to really care, many simply want drugs and the lies and bull and theft and selfish impulsive dishonesty hurts her pride her soul her wanting to help and I understand. She works for people who only care about profits, again, in my opinion, and the volume of patients she sees could literally put her Licence to practice in jeopardy and she will not allow that.
Again, in my opinion, despite the fact that she is a good spiritual god loving person (she presents as such, I take things at face value despite the reality that my life has been more like the “Truman Show” movie than any regular self-directed, unobserved life as a targeted individual under possible remote neural monitoring technology after being exposed to nanotechnology, meta-materials on nano scale, gmo life forms as critters parasitically murder me by the millions, and whatever other toxic mind screwing things were done to me and Petra. So even if people are ‘involved’ in done way until I have concrete evidence to the contrary I act as though what they present is who they are… Leave the paranoid possibilities on the other side of the scale in the chance that the observations or intuition is true and not manipulated by professionals in an effort to continue functioning psychologically in a world were I have seen behind the veil and it was evil wrong interference in life liberty and happiness for what? I can not say. The new world order? Control of the most world changing technology to be used on human beings? The biggest profits and control as nanotechnology and synthetic biology and other new technologies change the way humans live work think hurt heal kill control war authority etc.., but I digress)
She is also human
Also, there is the doctor patient ‘power differential’ that they train them to exploit.
I get into trouble because I see most doctors as my equal. Just that they went to school and dedicated themselves to learning about medicine makes them empowered.
But unless they are clearly specialists or genius or able to think outside the box most folks find them selves thinking in and just how open they are to reality, how willing they are to explain everything to me as I want to know and can pretty much understand still, thank god.
if they care about me personally then I have been blessed.
Because many doctors I have seen would rather dismiss me.
Many act as if they are gods unto themselves.
One, when asked why I should take a medicine used only as a last defense against something I did not have, one with horrible permanent side effects such as uncontrollable pacing and suicide, and adverse reactions in high numbers, he told me ‘trust me’!
No thank you I told him.
I did not feel any care or warmth from him and he would not explain anything
Perhaps he hated me and desired to hurt me more by giving me bad medicine
Many psychiatric medicines have horrible effects and leave people even more debilitated than before the medicine.
That is one reason I desire to stick to the medicines I ‘know’ work for me ones I know the adverse profile and can tolerate
Medicines that do what they say and the pharmacokinetics are well studied and known.
Ones that ease my pain as I suffer horribly made sick by exposure to toxins insects genetic manipulation microwaves nanoparticals of graphene synthetic biology testing biogenesis and morgellons being covered in a huge population of dermodex and other unknown critters living inside me, black unknown ‘things’ inside every cell blood and body fluid I have tested undermicroscope, and whatever damage done by being targeted and used and slowly killed as well as facing the possible actual insanity due to brain damage and hypnotic programming control directed energy systems and whatever they have fond to my body and mind.
But again, I digress.
I am in horrible pain several times a week and worse episodes monthly
Headache lasting days
Dizziness
Difficulty speaking
Falling asleep uncontrollably
Vomiting
Extreme back and neck pain
Fever
Weakness
Fatigue
Loud painfull ringing screaming sound inside my head (this is 24/7 but gets louder when I am (made?) sick(r?)
Covered from head to toe in flitting biting burrowing egg laying multiplying holding their feces inside until they die and going into my body
Hyper toxicity from parasitic gmo infestation that only seems to bite Petra and I
Leaving 3rd degree burn feeling in skin turned red and necrotic falling off leaving huge blistering pussy scabs leaving horrible scarring leaving he skin red inflamed and dead leathery hard with dark spots where they nest
Observed under magnification
Tiny black dots climbing Into pores
Tiny white silky looking worm like things floating everywhere and getting into mouth nose skin also tiny winged creatures that flit and bite crystaline clear and white in diffracted light
Microscopic biters with hooked nose mouth and eyes and little round bodies with digestive system and other insides visible under microscope
Also round clear worms or nematodes or spirochete like creatures, some with hooks on the end
And several others
All unidentified as yet
Biting flitting crawling jumping nesting killing rapidly aging and disfiguring the face
Morgellons disease?
Nerve damage
Brain damage
Lyme disease like symptoms
Encephalitis
Recurring sickness at intervals possibly related to hatching life cycles
And I am in so much pain and suffering
After so much covert LSD to mess up my mind
And whatever is in my body
Destroying my eyesight
My organs
My systems
My life
I can no longer properly regulate body temp and have hot flashes like vomiting sweating then freezing shaking
One eye larger than the other
And my blood pulses in the artery in my right leg and groin as though there is blockage
I am dying from toxic shock and necrosis and viral replication all condition given to me
Despite what unbelievers believe
This all really happened
And many reading this know about some of this because they too have been infected
Effected
Are suffering
Dying
Freaking out as things that should not be emerge from their bodies like magic
Painful horrible un healing lesions
Fibers and bugs and life forms and nanotechnology emerging from the skin line magic
Biogenesis exploited to play a theatrical end times plague?
Or depopulate?
Human experimentation?
Joanie mitchael the singer claims to have this disease
A secret killer gone ignored by CDC and doctors claim no knowledge
Was it like this with HIV and aids?
Sickness and disease and medicine and death is BIG BUSINESS.
Technologies are being developed that can read the human brain and mind and determine scientifically what psychological disorder a human being suffers from. Because there telltale brain markers, if we are to believe the scientific journals
Would that make psychiatry a non-valid practice?
Would it change forever they way we diagnose and treat mental illness?
And genetic manipulation?
And synthetic biology?
And nanotechnology?
The human with money changes into the super man via implanted technology and biological rebuilding and enhancement of systems
The super soldier
The immune system that rebuilds the body regrowing list limbs healing broken bones and fixing anything gone wrong instantaneously
These are the technologies we face
Tracking and monitoring and input and hypnotic control of remote human brain via electromagnetics
Control of the weather
Cars that fly themselves
Techno future where humans are segregated by genetics money and corporate politics?

But again, I digress.

Here is the message I wrote while sick and vomiting
Angry because my doctor had yelled at me and called me names and made me feel I had somehow betrayed her
And refused to medicate my pain or ease my dying sickness
I felt rejected and angry because I did not see what horrible thing I had done to be treated suddenly like garbage
It becomes a major issue when targeted and gangstalked and tortured and rejected when someone actually cares for you or tries to help and then you put then iff with your strange truth and unknown disease and desperate need to be heard validated cared for
In hope that either
Doctors would help me to save my life from the ravages of this unknown sickness
Or if not able to fix it would have the sympathy to send me home with the proper medication to not have to suffer in so much pain as I die
At what point does palliative care become a reality?
How sick and in pain do I have to be to receive standard of care and mercy?

I am blessed and grateful that anyone cared
That thus doctor cares Snd wants to help me save my soul is precious and blessed
But the pain and suffering g in this life must be attended to
Debilitating disfiguring illness and pain

The message I sent to my doctor as I believed, wrongly it turns out, that she too had abandoned me as garbage.

“As I lay here on the floor in pain, after vomiting until there was not even bile in my stomach, my ears and hear screaming with a high pitched wistling hissing sound that never goes away, shaking, nauseous, unable to eat or drink, with stabbing pain behind my eye on top of headach and every smell sound light hurts my brain and makes my empty nauseous stomach almost vomit again, after taking the long list of medications that do not help the pain ( and I throw them up again) I think about how crappy you treated me in the office last visit.
And how you did not help me to a.) discover what is causing my sickness and eventual death b.)be able to bear the pain of being tortured, made sick, exposed to toxins, parasitic insects, microwaves, and god only know what else these evil people have done/are doing to me/Petra
I am suffering horribly
God is not going to heal me
I am hurt and angry at you as well as his ya did this to us”

And she called me up and apologized
And prayed for me
And told be all the bad things she could gave done to me but did not
And reminded me if how she trusted me
And told me how she was calling people to help me and getting people to pray for me
And I felt like a piece of shit
I felt so low for allowing my anger to be expressed in that way
I apologized as well

I did not realize that she still cared
That she wanted to help somehow
That she was even thinking about me

When it hurts that much and I was delirious from fever vomiting sickness pain pain pain pain and medication for the headaches and the panic attacks leaves me stupid drunk and blurry agitated and sometime into a rage hurts so much I was punching myself in the head over and over and over
And the only reason I stopped before I began bashing my own head on the floor in agony is because I still have enough common sense not to hurt myself more.
But when we suffer physically and are denied mercy full relief of our pain because of politics money fear lack of clear understanding or any other reason
It sucks
It’s wrong
Too many suffer throughout the world
And it hurts

Many times in the life of a person on methadone maintenance misunderstanding regarding the treatment it’s effects and our requirements for pain relief leaves us under medicated and in pain
Ignored in many ways
Marginalised and discriminated against because of our choice to become chained for life to a replacement drug therapy
Every time I came near to getting away from it someone or some circumstance brought me back
Perhaps it’s ny brain chemistry
After so many years in treatment my brain can not recover normal functioning
Perhaps I have always had a lower dopamine level than most folks
Perhaps I needed those molecules to balance my brain chemistry
Perhaps it was the pain if ritual MK-ultra style traumatic mind control program I apparently got enrolled in at birth as an adopted child
One born with the umbilical cord in a knot
Mother had toxemia while delivering
Doctors made a face
Would not tell her why
And if they had not revived me I would have been still born
But god had a reason and purpose for be here
I have to believe this
Not that I am any more special than every tiger human being here
Just they I am me and I believe god has plans for all of us
But I wish he did not have to make us suffer sick alone afraid in pain
I cry for those all over the globe that suffer
That have less than I do
That have horrible trauma war
Famine
Poverty
Slavery
Why does god make us suffer so much in this world?
Thank you for reading
Thank you for caring
Thank you for praying
Thank you for helping
I pray for you all
God please have mercy on all who suffer and ease their pain with mercy and love
Help humanity to live each other and end the suffering